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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29663253">on sleepless roads the sleepless go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/datahearts/pseuds/datahearts'>datahearts</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Could Never Be Heaven [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dead Poets Society (1989)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Gen, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:55:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>643</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29663253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/datahearts/pseuds/datahearts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>excerpts from todd's letters to neil after he's gone<br/>(also known as todd going through the stages of grief over time)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Todd Anderson &amp; Neil Perry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Could Never Be Heaven [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2179824</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>on sleepless roads the sleepless go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i know this is a super short story, and it's attached to tomorrow never came, but i just wanted to put this out there because it just felt right? it's not at all organized, it's messy and chaotic, but i think that's how a lot of people would respond to losing someone. you don't have coherent thoughts every second of the day after they're gone, even if writing is your passion. sometimes you lose the right things to say and everything just comes out as a garbled mess.<br/>in any case, the story is also "excerpts", meaning you're not getting the full picture of what exactly todd is writing. i might go into more detail with it in the future but for now enjoy this short, depressing fic &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i’ve never believed in fate or destiny. things happen because the universe hates its own creation. we deserve punishment for existing and not truly <em>existing</em>.</p><p>but your fate is not to die, not this way. if such a thing existed, your fate would’ve been success and happiness, living your life the way it’s meant to be lived. crowds would cheer your name, bouquets of roses thrown at your feet. poets would struggle to find the words to describe you.</p><p>a chance encounter led me to you, another took you away.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>snow falls, but it’s not the same now. your stolen glances that once captivated me are slipping. voices carry the silence you left me in. what am i supposed to do now?</p><p>you taught me so many things yet the one thing you never cared about was letting go. the world goes on when you die but mine stopped. your heart was so full and loving so why are you gone?</p><p>you must think me to be a failure.</p><p>is that all i ever amounted to for you?</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>if i had given you more of my time, you’d be here, wouldn’t you?</p><p>your smile would still give me butterflies, your hands would still be intertwined with mine, i’d still wake up to see the sunlight hit your face.</p><p>what would i say to you now?</p><p>
  <s>could i have saved you?</s>
</p><p>
  <s>was there something i missed?</s>
</p><p>
  <s>if i listened to reason would you have stayed?</s>
</p><p>you would be standing here with me <s>holding me if i had told you how i felt</s> if i was there for you</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>i haven’t been able to speak your name since that day, not truly. i scream and shout and hope for your name to grace my tongue but it never does.</p><p>you’ve been gone for a year now.</p><p>i still don’t understand.</p><p>the days feel long and the nights are unbearable. i don’t sleep through the night, not without your warmth holding me. some mornings i wake up thinking you’re still here. </p><p>the sun rises and i can’t help but wonder why my punishment for living has to be seeing you in everything i love.</p><p>everyone says they’re worried about me, that i’m going to do something dumb like you did. would you be happy if you saw me so soon?</p><p>i haven’t written a poem since you left. maybe it’s for the best.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>it’s been fifteen years now.</p><p>a few months ago i met someone that reminds me of you more than anything. i thought i saw a ghost when he came up to me and asked for a book.</p><p>
  <s>oh, i work at a library. it’s fitting, very quiet and small, nothing like the one at welton.</s>
</p><p>i spend my days reading shakespeare plays and imagining what role you’d have. nothing would ever top puck, but you’d made a great claudio.</p><p>at some point i silently accepted you’re gone. maybe it was when i dropped a book while trying to organize a shelf. the book was about characters that learn running away doesn’t always solve your problems.</p><p>maybe it was after i ran into <s>charlie</s> nuwanda when there was a thunderstorm and we were both trying to make it to the subway. he seemed happy, almost. he started working at an animal shelter, says it’s good for him.</p><p>or maybe it was when i moved into my apartment and found the folded up flyer i kept of a midsummer night’s dream, the one you showed me. for the first time i looked at that paper and i wasn’t upset- i was proud, almost. i was proud of you and everything you’d been able to accomplish.</p><p>i’m still sorry i wasn’t a good enough friend to you. and that your father was an ass.</p><p>but i have accepted it. you’re gone, but i’ll never forget you.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the title of the story comes to you from hear you me by jimmy eat world, a song that gets romanticized a LOT but in reality is about fans of the band that were huge supporters of them and unfortunately passed away in a car accident.<br/>the lyrics do make me think of todd losing neil, regardless of the status of their relationship.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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